Trigger warning rpe, sexual assault / Triggerwarnung: V, sexualisierte Gewalt
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(English below)
Es läuft so vieles falsch an der jüngsten Geschichte um eine Band und deren Doppelmoral on/off stage. Zusammenhängende Gedanken formulieren fällt schwer, aber sie müssen formuliert werden, denn im Vakuum nützen sie niemandem.
Schaue ich in die Kommentarspalten wird sich über trigger warning und rape culture lustig gemacht oder dieser Begriff ganz verneint (von allen Geschlechtern nebenbei bemerkt). Denn “wir leben ja nicht in Indien, Afrika oder in einer Kultur, die Vergewaltigung gut findet”. Aha. Bitte Definition nachlesen:
Rape Culture (engl. rape = Vergewaltigung und culture = Kultur) bezeichnet soziale Milieus oder Gesellschaften, in denen Vergewaltigungen und andere Formen sexualisierter Gewalt verbreitet sind und weitgehend toleriert oder geduldet werden. So eine „Vergewaltigungskultur“ überträgt die Vorsorge und Verhinderung von und sogar die Verantwortung für Vergewaltigungen teils oder ganz den Opfern in der Form von victim blaming (Opferbeschuldigung) und slut shaming (Bezichtigung als Schlampe, „Schlampen-Beschämen“): Frauen wird geraten, bei der Wahl der Kleidung, der Art sich zu bewegen, der Art von Unternehmungen und Kontakten vorsichtig zu sein. Damit geht die Verharmlosung von Vergewaltigungen und die Herabsetzung Betroffener oder potentieller Opfer zu Sexualobjekten einher.
, viel wiederholt in anderen Beiträgen in voller Länge, aber wir wollen dem nicht noch mehr Raum geben, als es eh schon einnimmt. Das ist schon das erste Problem an den Ausführungen: den Raum, den er sich nimmt. Der Täter. Ohne klar zu sagen, dass er Täter ist. Dass er 1001 Grund für sein Verhalten nennt. Dass er geläutert ist, bzw. auf dem Weg dorthin. All das ist momentan aber irrelevant. Am liebsten will ich es wie früher im Studium zerpflücken und alles aufzeigen, was daran mies und falsch ist. Satz für Satz.
Wieso ich nicht zufrieden bin damit? Weil es eine erzwungene, hanebüchene Erklärung ist, die nur in einer Sprache abgegeben wird, die die meisten nicht als Muttersprache haben und den Sinn nur grob erfassen. Kann Kalkül sein oder Unfähigkeit. Ich vermute eher, dass die Worte in der Muttersprache zu hart nachgehallt wären. Denn die ist dir immer näher als eine Fremdsprache, egal, wie gut du diese sprichst.
Hier das Gegenbeispiel eines gelungenen Statements von TRUE IDENTITY, die wegen den Vergehen von Jim Hesketh Konsequenzen gezogen hatten (wir haben darüber berichtet und im Zine darüber geschrieben, in Zusammenarbeit mit Charlie, einer der Betroffenen, und NO TO RAPE CULTURE, Portland und Seattle):
Und es gibt wöchentliche neue Beispiele. Und so schmerzhaft sie sind, die meisten haben es besser gemacht mit ihrem Statement, als dieses ewig lange Lamento von Tobias, weshalb der Täter eigentlich selbst ein armes Opfer ist, und nur im letzten kleinen Nebensatz auf den weiteren Täter Sven verwiesen wird. Keine Links zur Hilfe bei sexualisierter Gewalt, keine distanzierte Erklärung, sondern eine ganz subjektive Stellungnahme, die eher einer Rechtfertigung gleicht als einem bedingungslosen Eingeständnis.
Weitere Gegenbeispiele, z.B. TURNOVER, LA LUNA:
dazu geschehen, hätte dieses Statement evtl auch ganz anders ausgesehen. Die Ex-Sängerin der Band, die Gründungsmitglied bei WOLF DOWN war, mit Sven liiert war und mit ihm auch die Band SINK OR SWIM davor hatte, schrieb folgendes:
I left Wolf Down about 3 years ago now and people still asking me as to why. I always referred to it as personal reasons which they were. The experiences that I had made shortly before I called it quits have been unbearable and I didn’t want anything more than escaping the toxic environment that had been created within this band.
I have known Tobias and Sven to be bigoted sexist pricks with an ill perception of women. They never made it a secret and were openly objectifying women, sharing pictures and stories between them.
Having been in a relationship with Sven, the drummer, for over 7 years I was abused in more than one way, it continued even after we were through. He tried to turn my family against me and called friends and friends of friends late at night to know about my whereabouts and so on.
Sven is in no way the feminist he claims to be, he is a sociopathic patriarch through and through, and from what I know he has not changed a bit over the years.
Enough is enough. I stand with the victims.
Stellt euch vor, wie das ist, wenn ein outspoken Antisexist mit dir allein ganz anders ist. Wer glaubt sich selbst, wer glaubt den eigenen Gefühlen, wenn alle anderen darauf beharren, wie nett die Jungs doch sind? Leicht formbare, minderjährige, psychisch labile aber auch Menschen ohne Vorbelastung können in einen Strudel aus Manipulation und Abhängigkeit geraten, aus dem es nur schwer ein Entkommen gibt. Und danach? Wer glaubt ihnen? Wer supportet sie? Wer tut es nicht als Aufmerksamkeitsdurst ab? Wenige, wenn du den Geschichten der Betroffenen zuhörst.
Wenn erwachsene Männer 15jährige Mädchen psychisch und sexuell missbrauchen, was bedeutet das für die Opfer für den Rest ihres Lebens? Die Antwort kann sich sicher jeder ausmalen.
Wenn Überlebende den Mut finden, sich zu äußern, weil sie nicht möchten, dass es anderen auch zustößt, sind die Reaktionen leider nicht immer solidarisch. Im Gegenteil. Es wird nach Beweisen geschriien, nach Statements der Band verlangt, die Opfer und ihre Gefühle werden lächerlich gemacht. DAS ist rape culture. Ich habe schweren Herzens einige Kommentare aus verschiedenen öffentlichen und nicht öffentlichen Posts zusammen getragen, und da willst du nur noch schreien vor Wut, so viel Ignoranz, Derailing und rape apology kommt dir da entgegen.
(Die Sprüche, die sich im Ernst fragen, wohin ihr Merch nun soll, oder die vielen Platten, oder ob ihre Karte noch gilt und die Band hoffentlich noch alle Shows spielt !!!!!!!! hab ich erst gar nicht aufgenommen!)
“Auch wenn ich kein Fan der Band bin und mich sicher unbeliebt mache mit der Aussage aber leider gibt es auch mittlerweile Menschen die sich solche Texte ausdenken um Menschen bzw Bands zu schaden. Wüsste gerne ob jemand dahingehend mehr weiß und das ganze bestätigen kann.”
“mir ist klar warum man soetwas anonym postet, es bringt aber dennoch probleme mit sich”
” Ersatz suchen steht außer Frage? Ich verfolge die Band seit 2010, habe euch bisher 12 mal live gesehen und bin teilweise 6-7 Stunden gereist. Es schmerzt sehr zu lesen, dass es das jetzt gewesen sein soll. Natürlich verstehe ich die Angst, das der Name ‘Wolf Down’ jetzt im schlechten genannt wird – aber mein armes Herz überlebt das nicht”
” did he rape them or not??? that’s not very clear….try to be short and straight to the point next time…”
“You know your band is fucking shit when you put a “trigger warning” at the front of your post.”
“An die Freunde des Outings und der Hexenjagd:
Ihr miesen Schlüssellochgucker liefert hier jemanden dem Mob aus und ergötzt euch an den Erfahrungsberichten der beiden Frauen. Statt, wie es eigentlich laufen sollte, die Frauen zu einer Anzeige zu bewegen, damit ein Gericht um Längen sachlicher als der Mob bewerten kann, ob hier eine strafbare Handlung vorliegt, verbreitet ihr einen Hetzaufruf, der auf eine konkrete Person, deren Umfeld oder gar Träger des falschen Pullovers abzielt. Das linke Szenegericht entscheidet mal wieder aus dem Bauch heraus – aufbauend auf Gerüchten – und gibt jemanden zum Abschuss frei.
Mir persönlich ist die Band scheißegal und der Betroffene ist mir unbekannt. Er erscheint in dem Bericht auch recht unangenehm. Aber, ob sein Verhalten tatsächlich den Straftatbestand einer Vergewaltigung erfüllt oder nicht, mag weder ich, noch die beiden Frauen und erst recht nicht die Meute entscheiden, sondern ein Gericht eben.“
Wie ironisch, dass hier nach den Gesetzteshüter_innen gerufen wird, die sonst alle weder Freund noch Helfer sind. Aber HIER wird natürlich sofort alles in korrekter Manier abgewickelt und die bösen Buben zur Verantwortung gezogen. Die Wortwahl wie Hexenjagd, Lynchmob, Selbstjustiz und Hetzjagd sagen auch schon alles.
“Ich werde zwar weder Musik noch eure “Haltung” vermiszen, finde es aber dennoch fragwürdig wie hier mit dem Kerl umgegangen wurde. Bei mir wird ab heute nur noch gegen Unterschrift und Haftungsausschluss gebumst.”
“Finde es krass das nun auf einmal alle ankommen. Warum schon nicht eher?“
Und dann folgt der Moment, wenn Mütter ihre Söhne schützen gegen die “bösen Flittchen”, die ihre Schätze falsch beschuldigen. …auch das ist Rape Culture. Unter Larissas öffentlichem Post wettert Svens Mutter per Alias gegen sie:
“Du bist so verlogen.Frage mich was du davon hast.Gut das du weit weg bist“
Zum Glück halten ganz viele dagegen, vermitteln den Ahnungslosen die Lebensrealität der Betroffenen und schlagen zurück gegen die Unbelehrbaren. Auch die wird es immer geben. Hier geht es nicht ums Recht haben, ums Recht sprechen, sondern um Solidarität und den Kampf gegen den Täterschutz. Hier einige meiner Kommentare am Tag des Blogposts:
Für all die Typen, die meinen solche statements sind nur dazu da irgendwelchen Typen das Leben zu ruinieren, habt ihr schonmal drüber nachgedacht, wie das Leben von Frauen ruiniert wird? Das ist REGEL nicht Ausnahme. Nicht nur in dieser und jener Szene, nicht nur mit Bands oder sonstigen bekannten Personen. Jeden Tag. Mit jedermann.
Mich erreichen auf sowas Reaktionen von Freundinnen wie “Hätte ich mit 15 auch mal gebraucht, zu lesen, wie eine Beziehung NICHT sein sollte.”
💔 es geht leider total vielen genauso. Nicht nur jungen und unerfahrenen auch psychisch labilen und denen die es einfach nicht anders wissen.
… Und wer sich fragt wieso nur anonym wieso nur Internet, hat noch nie erlebt, wie Frauen ausgeschlossen und gechasst werden, wenn sie mit vollem Namen sowas äußern. Champion sind ein Beispiel, FreexMoney ein weiteres, La Luna noch eins und es hört nimmer auf. Und zwar nicht weil Frauen fame wollen sondern weil sie solidarisch verhindern wollen dass es NOCH MEHR FRAUEN PASSIERT. Das sollte sich jeder mal bewusst machen.
Zu oft wird gesagt “Für den dude bro bürge ich, den kenn ich schon X Jahre, der macht sowas nicht” usw. In jeder erdenklichen Spielart. Das ist Teil des Ganzen. Call out your Bros. haben einen Song drüber und SAFE AND SOUND auch, beide am WE auf dem Fluff gespielt, und Ansagen dazu gebracht.
Und einige gesammelte Zitate meiner Freund_innen, die ich besonders treffend fand:
PERSON 1
solidarität mit den opfern, und aus der konsequenz des triggers durch die existenz der band die band auflösen. so geht man damit um. was der typ angeblich macht um sich helfen zu lassen tut hier überhaupt nichts zur sache und hat in so einem statement nichts verloren. das ist reines verdrehen der tatsachen, als ob er hier das opfer wäre, das sich nicht hätte beherschen können. grauenvoll.
ist ja schön und gut, dass er endlich mal seine handlungen reflektiert und hilfe sucht, aber muss man das so breittreten, um noch die “aww, was für ein guter bub” sympatiepunkte abzugreifen? gerade wenn man larissas statement liest wird eigentlich klar, dass die band gar nicht das bedürfnis hatte, zu reagieren, hätten sich die opfer nicht selbst zu wort gemeldet.
ein paar der kommentare haben auch genau das ausgesagt. text zu lang, zu viel erklärung, zu wenig der englischen sprache mächtig, etc.
deswegen, das true identity statement zu kopieren wäre das beste gewesen, was sie hätten machen können.
PERSON 2
Für mich klingt das iwie nicht wirklich ernst gemeint und so als ob er jetzt nur seinen Namen retten will. Jetzt wo alle Bescheid wissen.
Seine “Einsicht” kommt ja jetzt erst wo es öffentlich gemacht wurde. Er hätte ja auch früher was dagegen tun können und sich anders verhalten können. Das hat er nicht getan und vermittelt mir das Gefühl dass es ihm egal ist und er jetzt nicht die Wahrheit sagt
PERSON 3 (per Audio, Gedächtnisprotokoll)
Wie bei einem korrupten Ministerpräsident. Einer gibt was zu, steckt den Kopf in die Schlinge und die anderen waschen ihre Hände in Unschuld. Der Täter bekommt bisschen auf die Finger und ist politisch ruiniert, die anderen gehen ihrer Wege.
PERSON 4:
ich hab ja über mehrere menschen schon herangetragen bekommen dass sven ein arschloch ist.. und weißte, wenn sogar ich das mitbekommen habe, dann kann das der band nicht enthalten geblieben sein, immerhin haben die massiv zeit miteinanders geteilt. gründe könnten daher sein, dass sie sein verhalten toleriert und akzeptiert haben, weil für zu naiv um das zu sehen/bemerken, halte ich die leute dann auch nicht. auch diesen abschnitt halte ich für vollkommenen mist: “Even though Tobi informed us recently we as a band did not act public in respect to the victims. We wanted to leave the decision to them, since their voices are the ones that matter the most.” das war einfach ein beschissener gamble für die ob es klappt doch irgendwie die ganze scheiße weiter aufrecht zu erhalten und da geht es nicht um die opfer sondern nur um die, die, die.. dass die strukturen nicht angegriffen wurden zeigt doch auch bloß wie viel schutz innerhalb der leute passiert ist. bah ne, ich könnte mich echt immernoch so aufregen..
Erst letzte Woche unterhielt ich mich genau mit u.a. diesen Personen per Messenger, wie abgefuckt ich es finde, dass wöchentlich neue Dinge zu Tage kommen. PWR BTM war auch so ein Beispiel, eine queer punk band, die von ihrem Label auch gedroppt wurden aufgrund der Vorkommnisse:
All das hat als Fundament das Patriarchat und dessen Machtstrukturen.
Das besonders Widerliche ist, wenn augenscheinlich emanzipierte Bands keinen Deut aus ihren Lippenbekenntnissen lernen, sondern dann noch das System als Entschuldigung nehmen. So steht es bei Tobias’ Ausführungen nachzulesen. Das ist ein Schlag ins Gesicht der Betroffenen und sollte auch als solcher entlarvt werden und nicht abgefeiert fürs Zugeben und reumütig zur Therapie gehen.
Dazu äußerte sich auch Lara öffentlich, Partnerin des zuvor ausgestiegenen Tommy (Gitarre):
Wobei wir hier noch das weitere Problem haben: das der Mitwisserschaft. Des Schutzes von Tätern, Sexisten, Frauenfeinden. Wo fängt er an, wo hört er auf? Immer mehr Stimmen werden laut, die Band habe zu lange weggeschaut. Denn seien wir ehrlich, diese Sexismen und Muster müssen bei non-stop touren und dicker brotherhood zu Tage getreten sein. Offen bleibt die große Frage: Wer hat seit wann wie viel davon gewusst?
SOLIDARITÄT MIT DEN BETROFFENEN, ihr seid nicht allein und es ist nicht eure Schuld!
https://www.frauenberatungsstellen-nrw.de/beratungsthemen/sexualisierte-gewalt
http://kleinerdrei.org/2016/06/ein-faq-ueber-sexualisierte-gewalt-in-deutschland/
https://www.hilfeportal-missbrauch.de/startseite.html
English is not my first language and even though I have a university degree in English literature, went to Canada for some time and practice it almost daily, I am still a German native speaker.
And so are the guys of WOLF DOWN.
To read their statement for an international audience who cannot even read the statement of the accusations, since it is in German, felt extra weird to me, apart from being completely forced. I wondered why there was no statement prepared since they had known for weeks about this. I also asked myself why they apparently did not involve a lawyer. They might have been thinking their command of the English language is sufficient. I doubt it is. And I am afraid the content is even more troubling than its form and wording.
The band also points at the second abuser, but only in a half-sentence: .
But nothing said in this statement is clear and definitive, except calling it quits. But as for the talk about being responsible it is vague and hidden behind a whole lot of smart words in defense of an action that cannot and should not be defended. Instead of keeping it short and simple as TURNOVER or TRUE IDENTITY did, this is a long, rambling sob fest of a self-pitying abuser trying to explain all his actions while seemingly taken responsibility. And it is all there because he got caught. He got stopped – or interrupted – after years and years of this behaviour. I imagine it is only the tip of the iceberg. Week after week we get to know news about guys in bands abusing people, see also , Heart in Hand, etc.
Hiding behind words does not look too good for all of WOLF DOWN. Compare to those – see a difference?
This is all too little too late and no one will ever know how much was out in the open for how long and what could have been prevented if they both would have been exposed sooner.
hey people,
since wolf down posted something now and things are getting realy wild on larissas side we need to get some more points across…..it’s one thing for pascal and dave to wait for the victims to go public before making any statements. but to post “we are in solidarity with the victims” after still promoting that band, selling merch through evil greed, sticking with the band is half-assed bullshit! if they really would stand with the victims they’d either left the band for “personal reasons” or kicked out tobi for the same and make a strong statement after the victims came out…. but instead they thought maybe it goes by and we can just pretend everything is fine…
we are in no way connected with dave, but we are with pascal and evil greed… we will not continue working with evil greed as one of our distribution partner. by pointing out, that the information about sven left no choice but ending the band shows how this is no way a result of reflection, but a reaction on the pressure coming from all sides!
the members of wolf down knew whats going on from ressurection fest in spain and only one of them took steps in the right direction and left the band right away.
to point out and call tommy and larissa whatever doesn’t make it any better!to all those people wondering why larissa is sharing this stuff now, not earlier – fuck off! she does what she feels is right, when ever, how ever!
it would have never been prevented or whatever, tobi would be the same person and still did the same things….internet will be full of media outlets, stating that wolf down quit because of some accusations… fuck that! its not about wolf down, its about the way every of the bandmembers reacted on this…
its about how people jump in defense of these hypocrates…. people should reflect their own behaviour and how they act in partnerships, friendships and with other people in general! hopefully we can discuss about how we can behave so no one will become victims anymore. how we can make this “scene” really a place without all that isms and phobias. how we can get everyone involved and how we can all use our voice and “power” in everyones favour!
Edit 28th of July; full text following
http://wolfdownouting.blogsport.de/2017/07/27/final-statement-by-the-victims-of-tobi/
after everything that has happened during the last 48 hours, tobi’s statement and wolf down breaking up, we as the victims want to publish one last statement. we do not want to allow the perpetrator to have the last word. this time, we are publishing in english, because after our first statement there was a great demand for translations and we want as much people as possible to be able to read what we have to say.
we apologize for any mistakes – this is not our native language and as we both come from a working class, low-educated background, we are not practiced expressing ourselves in the polished lawyer-english that tobi uses. anyways, we want to spit out our anger again, even though our words are raw and clumsy.
reading tobi’s statement felt like a fucking joke for us. the fact that he was allowed to take up so much space, to explain and justify himself with so many hollow words leaves us shocked. it is a good decision the band split up – and in our eyes the only decent one. but instead of publishing our words on their facebook site, followed by a simple explanation that obviously these circumstances make it impossible to go on posing as a radical leftwing group, they tried to save what was left of their image. tobi’s words range from hypocritical to disgusting. he writes: “my sexual self-reflection concerning the right approach to consensual sex had not yet been brought to the same level as my otherwise radical-leftwing convictions”. we do not understand why he seems to believe that understanding how consensual sex works is a political/intellectual challenge. being a decent human being should not be something that you need a process of several years for, like forming an opinion on the correlation between state and capital or some other deep shit.
still, he has not understood a lot of things even though he claims to be magically enlightened now. “I did things to her for which I didn‘t ask for her consent, during otherwise nonverbally consensual sex” – doing things you don‘t have consent for makes the whole sex nonconsensual you prick. tobi also states that at least he kept the principle “no means no”, which is simply not true: a “no” always meant “try to convince me” to him, which build up a lot of pressure, especially with the imbalance in power that he produced with all of his abusive behaviour.
tobi is so afraid of losing his life as the “cool antifa dude” but doesn‘t even have the guts to write out the word “rape” and instead uses “type of rape”. he also lies about when he wrote me he felt “not guilty” of what happened because he was “brought up in a bavarian village” where nobody would teach him about consent. this happened on 20th of june and not “two weeks ago” as he claims.
furthermore he writes: “It feels surreal, that I‘ve been calling myself a feminist for years, but played a part in fucked up patriarchal mechanisms and rape culture. A culture that teaches men to take „what is theirs“ without asking and that blames women for the consequences. A culture that pressures men to take the active role and forces women to take the passive one.” it feels fucking disgusting and horrifying for leftwing women like us to read those lines. many of us joined the movement to escape the cruel environment that patriarchy produces and try to fight our way towards a world with freedom and without sexual violence for ourselves and our sisters. knowing that we maintain this struggle alongside male “allies” who are in no way better than the patriarchs and abusers we want to escape weakens and discourages us and the movement itself. lately we have been thinking a lot about all the amazing, talented women we know and how much time we all have to spend on recovering from trauma and dealing with the harm done to us by men who publicly claim to be feminists. THIS IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE. and we want to make clear that our greatest hope in this outing and everything we publish is not people burning their wolf down shirts (even though we appreciate it as an act of solidarity) but every man reading our lines asking themselves if they recognize some of their behaviour in the actions we describe and denounce. know that women are real people with feelings and shit and that more and more of us will speak up. you will be held accountable for your actions.
we could go on and on picking to pieces what tobi calls an apology. but there is other, more important stuff left to say and we do not want to carry on giving him and his opinion on what happened so much room. just another few words on the other wolf down members: dave and pascal are in no way clueless angels. they knew about tobi’s and sven’s behaviour regarding women all these years and they knew about the rape accusations since two weeks at least. of course they have no damn choice continuing a band with two people but they couldn‘t know we were going to make our stories with tobi public. what they call “respect to the victims” was really the hope of wriggling their way out of this without anything happening and continuing with the band as if nothing happened. both of them know us. they know our names, our faces, they have shared conversations and meals with us during times we were tobi’s girlfriends. they know ways to easily contact us on social media. but they didn‘t offer us any help or support at all since tobi confessed to them. besides, pascal and tommy watched larissa being maltreated and her ex-boyfriend drummer sven and tobi starting to use wolf down as a way to hook up with girls. yesterday, the day the outing went viral, larissa posted a statement on facebook. for everyone who hasn‘t seen it yet, this is what she came out with after years of staying silent:
“I left Wolf Down about 3 years ago now and people still asking me as to why. I always referred to it as personal reasons which they were. The experiences that I had made shortly before I called it quits have been unbearable and I didn’t want anything more than escaping the toxic environment that had been created within this band. I have known Tobias and Sven to be bigoted sexist pricks with an ill perception of women. They never made it a secret and were openly objectifying women, sharing pictures and stories between them. Having been in a relationship with Sven, the drummer, for over 7 years I was abused in more than one way, it continued even after we were through. He tried to turn my family against me and called friends and friends of friends late at night to know about my whereabouts and so on. Sven is in no way the feminist he claims to be, he is a sociopathic patriarch through and through, and from what I know he has not changed a bit over the years. Enough is enough. I stand with the victims.”
we have to say that we are shocked about other women contacting us since we published the outing, telling us about bad experiences with tobi and sven. besides, we both have encountered so many more situations where their blatant sexism was unbearable. some examples to illustrate a little what we‘re talking about:
– in fall ’15 wolf down were on tour and went swimming before playing a show in a german city (we believe to remember it was trier). in the swimming pool they joked and dared tommy to swim to a middle-aged woman and tell her that tobi would fancy her but wouldn‘t have the guts to talk to her himself. he told her they were a band called wolf down and that she could come to the show for free, that tobi would put her on his guest list. they laughed about the woman getting excited. when they returned to the venue they found she had contacted them on their official facebook profile. they hoaxed her and tried getting her to sext with them. when she asked about getting tobi’s private contact (because she believed talking to him all the time) they blocked and deleted her. later tobi bragged about this story to “woman 2” and showed her the whole conversation. he justified making fun of a random woman saying that “at least she had a bit of an adventure for once in her boring housewife life, writing with some hot tattooed boys”.
– sven as well as tobi are famous for contacting girls they find hot on instagram. sven once contacted a friend of ours telling her she should do a live video for him when he saw an instagram story of her running a bath. she felt disgusted by this and when sven was confronted about it he swore he didn‘t mean it “in a sexual way”, he just wanted “to make fun of her because some girls are so ridiculous posting everything they do on instagram”. he was convinced that this would make his behaviour any better.
– when sven found out i (“woman 1”) was befriending his current girlfriend he continued asking her about what we were doing together, if we met just to talk or to have a sexual relationship/watch lesbian porn together. only because we both happen to be bisexual women. he also told “woman 2” that he felt repulsed by me because i “talked too loud”, sit and walk “like a man” and happen to be interested in football.
– tobi showed me messages of an acquaintance of his asking when they could meet (for a certain purpose i forgot but that had nothing to do with any interest in him), telling me how “desperate” she obviously was to get him to date her, and that he felt pity for her.
we could go on for hours with this list. but instead we choose to let another ex-girlfriend of tobi speak, who approached us in solidarity with her story whose parallels to what we experienced with him made us weep. these are direct quotes of the messages she sent us:
“Hi, I dont know you but Larissa gave me your number. I , unfortunately, am a victim of Tobias as well. It was 2012.It breaks my heart to see that He went on abusing women. I am shivering while reading his statement on Facebook because I cant believe a single word of what he is writing.I think everyone should have a chance to change but I Seriously believe he wont.i am terrified that he will be able to abuse more women in the future,and still be able to hang out in the hardcore scene as if nothing happened. I wish I could hug the women who wrote their Stories because for the first time I felt understood and it is terrible to know that others went through the same suffering I did. Thank you”
“it is very important for me to know that at least someone believes me. Since now I had to struggle against him completely alone as most of my former „friends“ kept thinking he is a „nice guy though“. He manipulated me constantly, made me feel like a crazy person for just being angry at what he did. We had a long distance relationship for one year. After we broke up he never left me alone. He was literally stalking me for all these years and about every 4-6 months writing me some stupid messages about being friends again that i NEVER replied,still he never stopped. Two times I found him standing in front of my door asking me if he could stay at my place. Another time i was at a show in [city censored because of privacy concerns] and he wrote me „i am here“ and there he was with some fucking flowers,even though He knew I didnt want to see his face again and I even had a boyfriend then. I had two long relationships after him and all he did was talk shit about my boyfriends and to make me feel ashamed for even being with them. For him,the biggest poser of all times, they werent cool enough.I guess i also don‘t need to say that he cheated on me more than one time. Still,while we were together he didnt even want me to hang out with only men or stuff like this because he was jealous. One month ago he wrote again trying to apologise for all that he did to me, for manipulating me and for making me go to bed with him when I didnt want to and then disappearing for months,leaving me there lonely and abused like a piece of meat. All he ever wanted from me was sex. His reason for doing this is that he’s just a poor guy coming from a sexist german family and he now learnt what feminism is.then the stories of the other two women came out and I understood what it was actually about. I wasnt surprised but surely disgusted and terrified he will forever go on like this.I met many bad people in my life but Tobi is for sure the worst human being I can imagine,under every aspect. There is no single thing in him that I would save because he’s literally just a pile of thrash. I wish people believed me back then ,when I was telling them he is an abuser and a lier because maybe all that happened afterwards wouldnt be a horrible reality. Sven tried the same with me until I realised he was just like Tobi. The two were literally sittig together asking me for nudes (that fortunately i never sent) and laughing behind my back. A former friend of them warned me that they were exchanging other girls pictures and making fun about how stupid but hot they are. Sven is just as bad as Tobi,I want the people to really see that too. I stood alone and powerless until now”
“I am really so sorry about it. This is so fucked up. Sadly, you are definitely not alone in this. I am quite sure that there are other just like me that didnt come out because of fear. […] Actually I don‘t know if I can articulate myself strong enough to make people understand, I am definitely not „well educated“ like he is. I get very nervous when I have to write something for the public as a reply to something so well written like he did. If it is okay, you could write a new post where you can also mention my story. This could be very important, I feel many people still don‘t believe a word of anything and are just sad that wolf down are now over.”
“I feel like I kept these things too long for myself.”
“What I read in words is another attempt at showing that he’s still the nice educated guy everyone knows and that he’s so smart that he will change soon. Again he wants people to defend him. […] I think the general facts that he acts like a stalker, spying you even after the relationship is gone is definitely my main point, together with the manipulation and the mental abuse followed by the physical abuse. I was lying when I was letting him into my place. I was doing it only because I was scared he would attack me mentally again. He always said I was overreacting over everything. He was lying when he was saying „i will just be next to you in bed without doing anything sexual,trust me“ and then crawling against me saying „i can‘t resist“ and touching me without my consent.It’s incredible I could go on forever, even if it hurts to take out all these memories.”
we both share the third ex-girlfriend’s concerns about tobi never changing. that is the ultimate reason why we write this final statement. and because we couldn‘t let tobi get away with his phony excuses. and because we want closure now. and because we want to show every woman who was ever abused that if you speak out, you don‘t just help yourself. you most likely help so many more women to stop feeling alone, “crazy” and broken.
we want to thank every single woman that has stood up in solidarity with us. may we never forget that sisterhood is our main weapon.
Our solidarity goes out to the victims. It’s not your fault and you are not alone.
NO!
Your acts of subjugation are by no means accidental. You’re morally culpable. You’re not the fucking victim. Contradiction, false representation. Introspection, no realization. Betrayed by your manipulation. Mislead by your coercion. Your crimes remain unreconciled. You deflect inquiry at the expense of your survivor(s).
MEANS!
Your violence is unconscionable. Your behavior is unacceptable. Your presence is unwanted. Your existence is unnecessary.
Fuck your martyrdom. You‘re not the victim. You’re the perpetrator.
NO!
You can’t manipulate your way out of this one, no matter how much you displace blame, you’re still the perpetrator. It’s not a secret anymore.
Ressources:
https://ia902307.us.archive.org/21/items/AccountingForOurselves/accounting-for-ourselves_screen.pdf
KAT
.lgbtqia+ activist
.intersectional feminist
.vegan 2009
.straight edge 1998